she woke up with a sticky ear
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
