Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
