Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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