my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
