last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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