literally had 100 drinks last night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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