Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
