So drunk its hurt
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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