He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
