this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
