Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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