I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
