Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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