Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The uberlube is also flammable
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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