I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
