A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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