I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
