oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
