and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
