Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
