I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
