I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
