I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
