I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
