Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
