there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
