He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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