Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
