I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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