Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
