I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
