Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
