I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I am naked and annoyed.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
