and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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