9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
