So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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