i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
