I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
