don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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