I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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