Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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