Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
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Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
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You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize