just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
