Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
even my farts smell like vagina
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
