She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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