He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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