Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
