We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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