the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
