Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
