:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
