Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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