i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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