I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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