i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
