he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
