connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
