last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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