I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
