My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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